Bad Days.

Sometimes, it's just really fucking hard to love yourself. I'm going through one of those times right now. The tears haven't even dried in my eyes. Right now. Today is the last day of a little vacation my mom and I got while my dad and brother were away with some family friends. Today, we were supposed to go shopping.

For the last 3 years I've been pretty dependent on girdles to feel comfortable in clothes; I am desperately trying to stop that now. So, I decided I wasn't going to wear a girdle today to shop and therefore only buy clothes that didn't need a girdle to be worn. Most of my clothes need a girdle as it is.

There are a few things about my body that make it hard to buy clothes. 1.) Most obviously, I'm fat. 2.) I have rather short legs so most "average" pants are far too long on me. 3.) I have small breasts for my body size. 4.) I have a large roll right above where the waist of my pants sits. A roll that sticks out a bit more than my breasts and continues around to my sides. 5.) I have a long torso and broad back.

It may be hard to find fashionable clothes just as a fat woman who is proportionate, but it's extremely difficult to find clothes as a fat woman who is disproportionate like me. I need clothes that are smaller up top, form fitting, but not tight on my stomach and long.

So, while getting dressed today, I decided to do the stupid thing and try on old pants that I had in my closet. Of course they came close to fitting but didn't quite make it. Unfortunately, it's hard not to take a hit to your ego when that happens. And when that happens, I feel exceptionally jiggly when it comes to that roll that sticks out past my boobs. Add to all that, the fact that I need to wear a girdle to feel comfortable in most of my tops... That means Lexie becomes a sweet, little un-self-loving wreck when all of this and the pressure to hate myself gets to me.

The person I turn to when I feel like this is my mother. My mother is probably not the best person to turn to as when she was young she went to "diet doctors" and resorted to pills, starving and even illegal drugs to get and stay thin. Even with my Fat Acceptance stance, she still doesn't fully agree and, when I'm weak, tries to get me to go on a diet or some other thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and her slight pressure to get me on another diet isn't because she doesn't love me but because she thinks it'll make me feel better to "do something about it." She often tells co-workers about my self-acceptance and how much happier I am over-all and how proud of me she is to fight back when the whole world is trying to beat me into submission. My mother loves me and that's all that matters, and I suppose that's why I go to her when I need support, even if I don't quite get the support I want.

So, anyway, does everyone have these days? I'm sure they do. But when you have one it feels like you're the only failure in the world. After my depression settled and faded (I'm lucky enough to not get and stay depressed for long) I realized that, fuck, I have nothing to be sad about! I have a body and it works. I'm lucky that I can walk and run and jump and see and hear and speak and feel. I have a boyfriend who loves and cares for me and would do anything to make sure I'm happy. I have a family that loves and supports me in everything I do. I have the money to do what I need to and get what I want. I'm fat and I'm smart and I'm beautiful to the people who matter to me and, most importantly, I'm beautiful to me. What do I have to be whining about?

Yeah, so I had a bad day. You'll have them too. But I want you to know that your life doesn't suck. You're beautiful. You're wonderful. You're fat, or you're not, but you're you and that's all you're required to be in this world. So buck up and be it.

Big Smiles!
-LexieDi