Saturday, February 11, 2012
What happened to me? Well, a lot.
My boyfriend came over for Christmas and spent two weeks and a few days. It was wonderful. We're still very much in love. I wouldn't want to spend my life without him. Luckily, I don't have to...
We've gotten a wonderful lawyer (Mr. O'Reilly) and have been saving up money for the process of moving him over here permanently.
Unfortunately, We'll have to be separated for about 7 months while the paperwork goes through. *sigh*
I've been fighting bouts of depression for about a month now... the longest one lasting only about a week and a half but taking a serious toll on me and coming to a head with a dream that my dad had been murdered.
On the activist front, I've been having more debates over feminism than fat activism. Honestly, the fatty front has been fairly calm for me.
I've been reading a lot... The Hunger Games, A Clockwork Orange, other shorter, random novels.
Hopefully, I'll be up and running here again, very soon. I miss you guys.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
It's my love story. And I'll try not to make it too ooey-gooey for you rough, tough, body-lovin' fatties, thinnies, and in-betweenies out there.
First, some background. I'm fat. *waits for the gasping to stop* Yes, fat! And being fat in a society that hates the fatties means that it's hard for me to get a date. That's life. I'm not incredibly social anyway and I've never been too incredibly interested in getting laid. As a young girl I pined for a male someone to love me but got over that in my teen years and, with the help of Fat Acceptance, Body Acceptance, and my family and friends, I learned to be me, love me, and stand up tall and proud.
I used to (and still do) visit chat rooms in smaller communities of people with the same interests as I have. Eventually, that led to meeting people and, eventually, starting online relationships that grew into meetings. I've had some hard times with these. I should let you know that I never hide my body from anyone and freely call myself "fat" and "round" and "jiggly" and also have a webcam so people can see those facts.
The first fellow I met was thin and seemed fine with my body and was a fairly nice guy. My feelings for him changed, however, when he said that I couldn't use his restroom until I kissed him. I had never kissed anyone before so that was a larger request than he realized. Later on he brought me to tears telling me how he wished I'd lose weight because he wanted me to be healthy. When I broke up with him, he promised that no one would ever love me like he did... which could be taken a number of ways.
The second guy came over to my place. He was fat too, but hated his body and was berated by his family for being fat. I tried to show him how men and women with all body sizes were desirable to someone and that Body Acceptance was a very freeing thing. He didn't take to that too well and said that I wasn't attractive enough to be relationship-worthy. I was just fine with that because I didn't find his attitude attractive at all. He took it farther, however, by saying that my father and brother were far more physically attractive than I and that the only person I had any ranking over was my mother. If I had been the person I am now, I would have thrown him out of my house for insulting my mother, the woman I find most beautiful. I later found out that he became abusive towards the woman he dated after meeting me which was terrifying but not shocking as he had pinned me down and kissed me without asking and left bruises on my sides after tickling me.
After that, I stayed away from internet-started relationships. Well, I tried. After talking only briefly with a guy that frequented a chat room I frequented, he asked me if I wanted to give things a try. I had nothing to lose, and honestly didn't think it'd work out: He was British and I was American and moving to another country wasn't in the life-plan for me. But we talked every day. He was a vegetarian music lover, going to school to work on computers. I was an opinionated activist going to school to be a teacher. After a while, K and I decided that we should meet.
And we did. That was about 3 weeks ago. And I'll tell you right now, it was nothing like the other two meetings.
I was shy when we picked him up on Christmas Eve. It was already dark and I was walking to the terminal with my father to find a restroom when I got a call from K saying that he was out of customs. I asked him where he was, but as I turned around a pillar I saw him and hung up my phone. He saw me and stared for what was probably only a second or two. Do you know how you can think full sentences in the span of milliseconds? In that one or two seconds, my head buzzed with inner dialogue like a beehive after being hit with a rock.
"O shit," I thought. "This is it. He doesn't like me. He's seen me in person and it's just too much." But he hugged me and smiled and we talked while my dad went to find the restroom. In car, he held my hand and gave me this adorable singing puppy plush (the Harrod's mascot) I named Westie.
At home, after I settled down and became accustomed to his presence, we spoke. He told me that he wasn't going to pressure me into anything. He knew about what I had been through previously, and he promised to be honest but never cruel or coercive.
He always reached for my hand while we walked. Our fingers were always interlaced. When he looked at me, he smiled and when he spoke, I knew he was the person I talked to for over a year online. I relaxed faster around him than I had around anyone.
As a woman who's had kisses stolen, forced, and coerced out of me, I resigned myself to the idea that I would never like kissing. But, despite all of that, when I kissed him, I liked it. I grew to love it (as my chapped chin and tip of my nose proved.) He kissed me in public. He kissed me while we were alone. He wasn't ashamed of being with me.
He touched my tummy and wasn't disgusted. When I felt sick in the sandwich shop where we ate lunch, he let me lean against him and he rubbed my tummy (In public!) until I felt better. After he left he even told me he loved all of me, even my rolls! Not me despite my rolls, not my rolls despite me, me and my rolly, jiggly, squishy tummy. All of me. That was something I thought only happened in fairy tales dreamed up.
Maybe I'm weird for liking this next bit... But he recognized my fatness. Usually I have conversations with people that go something like this:
Me: *mentions something about being fat*
Person: Oh. You're not fat!
Me: Yes. I am. But it doesn't make me a bad person.
Person: Don't say you're fat, you're not!
And it keeps going until I want to scream "Look! I self-identify as a fat person, it doesn't make me lazy, stupid, smelly, ugly, or bad, it just makes me fat! Why can't you even let me be fat when I want to be fat!" So when a person can recognize my body shape in a way that's neutral, or even loving, it makes me very happy. K didn't put blinders on and try to see me as a thin person. He saw me as me, even if he didn't think I was really fat. He let me be who I wanted to be. I mean, let me know, readers, if it's just me who enjoys this.
A lot more happened, but I don't want to bore anyone. Haha! My point is this: I always thought love would either come despite my body or because of my body- either he would have to over-look my body or he would fetishize my body and over-look me. I'm sure I got lucky when I met K, and meeting him has changed my life whether we stay together or not (however, I'm pretty sure we'll stay together). Sometimes it seems hopeless. Sometimes love feels like a lie that you're told as a child and go on believing. Sometimes shit just sucks and people are lame and life is hard. But there are good people and there is someone waiting and wanting to love you. And personally, I think we should find our partners who are good, loving, non-body hating people and procreate and adopt and teach and fill this world with love!
Because love is a good thing to have around.
Monday, November 22, 2010
But, folks, let us remember that it's the TSA agents who get the real shitty end of the stick.
Yes, we passengers are stuck for hours and hours in lines, being searched, prodded, stripped, pushed about, patted down, and shoved into tiny airplane seats that we may or may not get to stay in depending on our size and how the airline feels on that particular day.
But while you're going through that remember that those poor TSA agents have to touch your fat.
"Even worse [than patting down non-fatties] is having to try and feel inside the flab rolls of obese passengers, and we seem to get a lot of obese passengers!"
I mean, really... what could be worse than touching a fat person? Nothing, that's what. I would rather be drowned in sewage than touch my own shameful, disgusting body. How dare we fatties fly and put TSA agents and other passengers through seeing, touching, and sitting near us!
Okay, not really. I think this person is, well, an asshole. That's your job, fool. Get over it. You don't want that job? Guess what? I'll gladly take it because I need the damn money. You don't like touching fat people? Don't get a job where you're going to have to be touching people at all. Seriously, it's like a prostitute complaining that he or she has to touch pussies and dicks. If you get a job touching people, don't complain you have to touch people... either shut up or get another job.
Honestly... I get that TSA agents have a hard job. I'm sure they get a lot of people complaining, a lot of people being jerks, and a lot of people wanting to be treated like royalty. It doesn't go that way, obviously. But, you know what? If you want something to complain about, complain about that, not that you have to touch people's bodies (fat or thin) in a job where all you do all fucking day is touch people's bodies.
Get over it.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Yeah. Maura Kelly is an idiot. Worse, she thinks it's okay to humiliate and dehumanize fatties simply because they're fat and she (cue the water works) struggled with her body image, including battling anorexia.
You know what? I can't imagine the pain a person with anorexia goes through. I can't imagine the self-hate, not to mention the physical pain that one must go through when starving.
But I do know how it feels to be hated because of my body. I know how it feels to be totally disregarded because I'm fat. Ignored, and worse, harassed, sexually assaulted, threatened, and physically abused. I know what that feels like. And I lived through it for years and still live through it. However, I do not feel that this gives me a right to hate, hate on, and advocate hate against thin people- the people who did horrible things to me.
Know why? Because, goddamnit, I'm smart enough to know that everyone is different! Not every thin person is a fat-hating asshole!
So, Maura Kelly, fat people are offensive to your delicate eyes? So you went through a tough time with your body? Sorry if I'm not incredibly sympathetic, but you're hating on me and that kind of blinds me any of your problems.
Luckily, the fatties have some power behind them- Over 28,000 emails were sent to Marie Claire complaining about the post and that is fucking amazing! Not only that, Marie Claire's Facebook page is being bombarded which is also awesome.
For those of you who support the cause to get rid of body hate for everyone, thank you. Fatties, thank you. Skinnies, thank you. In-Betweenies, thank you.
If you ask me, this is so no one has to go through what I went through, or even what Maura Kelly has gone through. Fight body hate so that everyone can love their body as it is. We deserve that as humans.
Update: Here is an AWESOME post at HuffPo by Josh Shahryar. It totally made me feel better after the emotional sparring match I've been having when it comes to this issue. Read it. Love it. Support it!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What I do know is that my boyfriend is odd. I love him to death, but he's odd.
The other day, Keith asked me if I would hold it against him if he got a couple of gold teeth (where a bridge covers a couple teeth he's missing in the back). I laughed and said no, I wouldn't hold it against him, but gold teeth look kind of funny to me. Then he went on, asking if I would be okay with him getting a little liposuction. Well, this is far more icky to me than gold teeth, but I feel that everyone should be allowed to do what they want with their bodies. I want him to be happy and if he feels that will make him happy, I say go for it. I won't love him any more or less for being fatter or thinner.
After I said I wouldn't have a huge problem with it, he said that even though he knew I was fighting for my rights as a fatty, he would understand if I wanted liposuction too. Well, I can be thin and still fight for fat rights... But I don't want liposuction and I told him so.
It did make me happy that he's been paying attention to my FA agenda. I don't talk about it often but he seems to have the basics and that's really encouraging. I hope it goes well.
Am I worried that the comment is a subtle hint that he wants me to be thinner? Not really. We've talked about fatness and me and my fatness before and he's told me that he doesn't want or need me to change for him in any way and that if I wanted to change in some way, whatever way, he'd support me. I believe him. He may tease me relentlessly about typos and the silly things I do, but he has never said a negative thing about my body. In fact, the most he's said about my fatness has been to say I look like a chubby video game character, teasingly call me "sausage fingers" because of my pudgy hands, and relate my body to lovable, fat things. That's really encouraging. It's a little off putting having someone say that I'm fat but in a way that's not hateful.. It's new. It's wonderful.
Have a fat and happy day! Time for this little fattie to get her beauty sleep.